I like to take photos of things. Mostly peoples. Mostly pretty peoples, if I'm honest. But sometimes toys, or dogs, or maybe a tree. Y'know, interesting stuff.
I shoot a few burlesque shows, but that's just to kill time between photoshoots with models, where I can control the light and the pose and the magic.
My photos will have the tag "my photo". Otherwise, it's stolen from the vast wilderness that is the internet. I usually source pics from Model Mayhem, Flickr or We <3 it.
You wanna look me up elsewhere?
It’s a familiar scenario: you’re walking through a field or house or area of some sort and are attacked by a Dalek. “How do I stop this evil menace?” you think to yourself and anyone else who might be reading your thoughts. Fear not, here are 49 can’t-miss Dalek-killing strategies.
1. Lure it into a field of watches with a rock in the middle, causing it to form a reverse-watchmaker analogy against the existence of God that will depress it to the point of suicide.
2. Tell it that you’ll let it take over the world if it gives you a penny. It will think you’re joking at first, but be persistent. Keep repeating the offer, being more emphatic each time. Finally it will do whatever Daleks do that’s the equivalent of shrugging and give you a penny. Immediately point at it and start laughing. It will self-destruct out of embarrassment.
3. Flush it down a giant toilet.
4. Ask it if it’s heard of culture jamming. Take a Culture Club CD and jam it in its eye. Now it has.
5. Dress up as a 1950s housewife and throw dishes at it until it dies.
6. Create a compilation CD called “Rock Against Daleks” featuring the hottest artists of yesterday and today.
7. Feign romantic interest in it but then slowly drift away, sealing the entrances to your heart one by one until it becomes a broken skeleton of a person. Then hit it with a crowbar.
8. Convince a hungry bear that it’s a trash can.
9. Find everything it enjoys in life and systematically remove these things from its life.
10. Use ventriloquism to make it say dickish things to other Daleks until they shoot it.
11. Get drunk with it at your sister’s graduation party. When it says it’s driving home, shrug and say “Okay, see you tomorrow.”
12. Just as it’s about to kill you through the windshield of your moving car, hit the brakes.
13. Unplug it.
14. Hang it for being different than you.
15. Use it as a shuttlecock in a giant badminton game.
16. Drown it in a vat of pudding.
17. Send it to a futuristic theme park where nothing can go wrong. Except it does.
18. Perform the exact sequence of actions performed by Uma Thurman in Kill Bill, except on a Dalek instead of Bill.
19. Find its secret lust and murder it in some ironic way based on that lust.
20. Roll it like a knapsack and flip it like a flapjack.
21. Challenge it to a knife fight - against itself.
22. Create a Dalek costume and commit a series of Dalek-themed crimes, forcing it to run from the law and eventually track you down to an abandoned warehouse that you’ve rigged with booby traps and explosions. Realize this plan is too elaborate and shoot it in the head.
23. On a dare, have it roll through Harlem with a boombox playing a Jack Black album.
24. Start a beef between it and an ED-209.
25. Give it “the little death,” which consists of shooting it with a shrink ray and then stepping on it because all things are susceptible to death that way when little.
26. Do an ollie off it.
27. Have it listen to a Judas Priest record.
28. Replace its CPU with a life-sized replica of New York City that’s immense weight will crush it.
29. Tell it it will never touch a boob.
30. Digitally map its head onto a video of the Kennedy assassination.
31. Make it play Contra on the hardest difficulty.
32. Have Jet Li kick it in the head in the place where being kicked kills it.
33. Tell it that conquerors of earth get to fornicate our finest women, and point to a Ford Pinto. It will stick its gun in the gas tank for some hot lovemaking, which will get even hotter when it shoots its laser load and the car explodes.
34. Alter the laws of mathematics so that there is no binary logic, causing its computer brain to do illogical things like saying that humans are good and should not be exterminated and then rolling off a cliff.
35. Ask it if it wants a ‘hurts donut.’ When it says “yes,” punch it and say “Hurts, donut?” Repeat as necessary until it’s dead.
36. Hit it with a sack of quarters.
37. Hook it up to a virtual simulation of being dead, consisting of an interior view of a coffin and haunted house noises.
38. Spaghettify it on the event horizon of a black hole (requires a black hole and lethal amount of spaghetti).
39. Give it PCP until it thinks it’s a 50-foot-tall neon Elvis and starts fighting mountains and glaciers.
40. Have it open a slapstick closet with an ironing board that hits it on the head.
41. Turn all the electricity in its body into wood.
42. Trap it in a Brimley Loop - an infinite-recursive logic loop contemplating Wilford Brimley.
43. Douse it with Bulgarian Miak.
44. Throw it out of an airplane without a parachute over an Angry Parachute Lovers convention.
45. Just say “no.” If this doesn’t work, say it several more times, slightly louder each time. If after several minutes this is still ineffective, disregard this method.
46. Destroy it metaphysically by draining its chi or stabbing its power animal or pushing its aura off the astral plane.
47. Bury it alive, except invert the crucial ‘alive’ step, so you’re actually burying it to death.
48. Tie a rope around its neck and the other end to a lawn chair so it thinks the lawn chair is chasing it. Lethalness unknown, but hours of fun.
49. Tip it over.